The Lives of 2 beautiful souls + 1 more..*love*

I cant sleep..I cant do my work..I cant breathe (my nose is like a tap now..runnin mucus..) my heart juz hurts so much..to tink tat its bein hurt by some1 dear to me..

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

I haf a simple request..I wan to get engaged to my dearie..Now dun tell me tat I haf been wit him for so long n y is ther a need to do so..I tell u y..I haf been wit him for almost 9 years(since 1997) More than half tat time, we were juz students..students who get allowances, dun work for a living..we dun even noe wat our future would be like then..we didnt get engaged durin dearie's ns days because we felt tat its betta to get engaged after dearie gets a stable job n is financially secure..we haf tot it thru thoroughly..we wan a betta future..ppl..esp my aunties/female cuzzins haf been askin when will I get married..issit so easy to plan for a weddin? dun u all wan me to be more prepared? more prepared in terms of being a better Muslim, etc..

My own personal belief is tat ppl get engaged/married once a lifetime..I wan to experience tat..I wan to be called dearie's fiancee..dearie wan to be called my fiance..is dat so wrong..

Mummy..are u ashamed of me? are u ashamed tat I haf been wit dearie for so long n tat ppl's gossips haf clouded ur tots..ur mind..I do not wish to be a disappointment to u..I wan to make u proud of me..I tot u would understand..sadly, I am mistaken..wheneva I wan to go to dearie's family's functions like bbq, chalet, u always forbid me from goin..U say I haf no shame(tak tau malu)..tat I am juz his gf..nt engaged n nt even married..so now tat I wan to get engaged, y r u so against it?

We dun wan to hold a grand engagement..All tat we wan is juz exchangin of rings..I dun even intend to invite anyone..I wan to keep it simple..I wan to keep it btw my family..dearie feels e same way..

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

My sistaz told me somethin tat reli hurt me juz now..yesterdae while I was meetin dearie under e my cuzzin's block, my mum told my cuzzins n aunt tat I intend to get engaged..their reactions are so predictable..Y?? buat aper?? tak payah sudah!! buang duit!! kawin terus sudah..wat happened next is beyond my imagination..My mum actually sided wit them..e way my sistaz told me, reli hurt me..she noes tat I intend to onli exchange rings..y didnt she mention tat? it makes a big diff n ppl will haf nothin to say since it does nt consume time or waste money..My mum added charcoal to their fiery comments..I dun tink I need to elaborate..u can imagine it..when I came into e house, all were smiley smiley, I didnt even noe tat seconds ago, they were actually talkin behind my back..to tink my mum was e firestarter..she didnt even say e whole truth..more or less, defended me..

I am not feelin well..physically, mentally, emotionally..Mummy, I tot u could be more supportive..I didnt expect to be hurt dis much from u..u, my own mummy..we talked b4 abt all of dis..I keep tellin u tat I wan a simple engagement n told u of our planned wedding date..u even told me tat engagements have lost their meaning..it hasnt, mummy..it means tat e couple is ready to take on e major step of a relationship which is to get married..u find fault wif everythin we wan..u dun wan us to get engaged..u dun wan us to get married at tat date..u even haf a support group to go against everythin tat we wan..

Mummy, I reli wish u could be more supportive..Its hard enuf every1 is against it..every1 except those who understand me..I talked to daddy todae..he even told me to go ahead wit my plans..he didnt find anythin wrong wit us gettin engaged..so y r u? y r u doin this? y u r gossipin abt ur own daughter to others?..sobs..

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

This entry is dedicated esp to my mummy..n whoeva who dun understand wat I am goin thru..

Dearie,pls hold me tight..I duno how much longer I can withstand this..mummy, pls try to understand..